Thursday, April 2, 2009

A Trip to the Shoepermarket, Anyone?

By Judith Garfield

For the loveless cook a trip to the supermarket is alarming.

It triggers the same feeling as when I follow S. into Home Depot. My eyes glaze over and my brain shuts down. I am surrounded by things in which I have no interest.

My goal is to get in and out as quickly as possible. No easy task. Upon entering I become disoriented. I stand frozen. Should I go clockwise or counter? Stay to the perimeter and take short trips only to the necessary areas, or go up and down each aisle?

I am doomed to wander around the aisles for much longer than I thought I would have to, because things have been arbitrarily rearranged. This is a ploy to make us spot new products we wouldn’t ordinarily buy. I have a much better idea. Why not take a cue from Wal-Mart, where you can buy your groceries and….a new pair of shoes. It’s no surprise that in this tough economy Wal-Mart is doing well. Where else can you go to buy ketchup and a cute pair of sling backs?

Even President Obama has given a nod to women’s love of shoes. He jokingly told Michelle she doesn’t need any more shoes. “Why can’t you wear the ones you had on yesterday for the rest of the Presidency?” he asked. Clearly, Michelle would love my idea of a shoepermarket, once she starts grocery shopping again. I am jealous of the first lady right now, because not only does she not have to enter a supermarket for four years, she doesn’t have to cook either. That’s change she can believe in.

Wonder if the White House chef sometimes makes up cute names for his menus, like tonight we will be starting with cream of Barack-ali soup. Our main course, a bonus-less breast of chicken in a savory stock, and for dessert, a creamy strawberry tarp.

But I digress. I must prepare myself for a trip to the supermarket. I take my list, get what I need and am about to leave, relieved I have no more decisions to make.

Except one. Paper or plastic?

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I so agree, LC, the supermarket can be a big, scary place for those of us who don't know how to cook. I start to think I need everything I see, even if the receipe I'm following doesn't call for it. I'd much rather buy a pair of shoes any day...

Anonymous said...

personally, i find the shoepermarket perhaps more frightening than the supermarket. when you don't know the difference between parade and prada....if you can imagine....the supermarket all of a sudden seems like a pretty reasonable place. i bet michelle shops online.

Anonymous said...

I'd rather go to a small speciality store anyday than go up and down the supermarket aisles. I'm with our loveless cook. She's right on once again. And oh, so, so
funny.

Anonymous said...

Loveless cook:
I have to say, I love the current white house suggested recipies. Much better than the former president's, I bet. What do you think Bush had on his menu? Axis of evil ice cream (formerly known as Neapolitan)? On Cheney's night to cook, it would no doubt be the Whittington special (formerly known as stuffed quail).

Anonymous said...

Right on, LC. I thought I was the only person in the world to experience "supermarket anxiety". And no matter how many lists I make I still end up buying what I don't need. I love reading your columns ----- they are so clever and really help me laugh at my pathetic cooking abilities.

papashantz said...

i think we can go deeper w/ this. i need to know the reason why i turn from a man into a mouse when i cross the supermarket's threshold. i need to examine/embrace this part of myself b/c i know i ain't changin. my comment word verification word: bleape. what happens to me when i enter a supermarket? bleape.

Anonymous said...

JG, Barack-ali soup that is hilarious, so clever. I would have to say I have the whole shopping thing down, you need to have your strategy in place before entering so you can get in and out quickly. And of course shopping while hungry is a bad move. I actually find shoe shopping more daunting.

Thanks again for the chuckle.